my my, it's been quite the while since i've updated this thing. for a long time i've been running a lot of fear programs, that haven't been helping me. i'm ashamed of my past, because i sunk in consciousness. it's my rampant spiritual ego. the one that wants to portray myself as an altruistic being, always. the thing is, that those kinds of things can't be forced, and to do so, would take away from the legitimacy of one's being-ness. i can be well-versed in metaphysics, until cows jump over the moon, but if there is no genuine work to back up one's words, the words themselves are empty vessels. well-intentioned, but empty none-the-less. and other people can pick up on these things. people know when you're bullshitting them. with that said, i must also emphasize that when we're talking about the ego, it's important to not neglect it either. that is another extreme. having a healthy relationship with your ego is essential. it is through our filters, that we show our "selves" off to each other.i have to forgive myself. i have to forgive my past. i think we're the hardest on ourselves, because when you look at yourself in the mirror, you ask, "is this me? am i living the life that i am proud of?". it comes down to acceptance. the more of yourself that you can accept, is to the degree that you can accept yourself in others. for instance, every day, as of late, on my way to work, there are three homeless people, that i see on the corner, it's a challenge for me to accept this, because i have this idea, that poverty is the utmost cruelty. i've been there, where they are before in my life, and i know that it's no fun. you're at the whim of the kindness of strangers. sometimes people will take a risk, and believe in you, and sometimes not so much. i want to be the kind stranger. i want to be the believer. the risk taker. the courageous. and everyday, when my time to shine comes, those fear programs come up. the excuses. the complaints. so maybe there is something in me that i need to look at. why? how can i proceed with the middle way? is there a middle way? i guess i'll find out by sunday, on my next day to work.
ps - i have a birthday coming up on monday. shhh...
