For about a year now, I've dedicated a considerable portion of my energy to this quest. To answer the question "What is Love?". It's the banner on my phone, as a daily reminder. I've asked myself many, many times, in different situations, the same question. Surprisingly, I find the answer to be considerably affected by the mood I'm in, the thoughts that I'm having, recent events, or a combination of said things.
Which to be honest, disturbs me. I went into this, with a fairly clean slate. I made the promise that no matter what, I'd always keep an objective view, that I wouldn't get too involved in any one person, or situation. The purpose being, love has the tendency to cloud judgments. Choices are made, irrationally. Feelings get hurt. Etc, etc.
I started this project whilst living in California. Told no one about it. Carried it over to my happenings in Florida, after I moved back. Overall, upon reflection, I'd like to say that I was not successful in my quest to answering the question "What is Love?", or rather instead of saying it wasn't successful, the insight I did get, cannot be simplified to a degree understandable by most. However, I am very proud, and grateful for the things that I HAVE learned.
In writing this post, I asked some close friends of mine for their insight, maybe there's something that I'm overlooking. For the most part, it's been standard one-liner's, and cliche notions concerning the topic, but I guess it's my fault for not being clear enough, in my intention, as for what I'm looking in an answer. However I did come upon some of my old dabblings from around this time last year, it felt like a time machine. I am surprised at myself, like I was in a completely different mind-space, so what I said almost seemed anticipated. Like as if I would read it someday in the future, and it'd be even more revealing in the present, than in the moment, at the time.
Maybe if perhaps I would of not put as much energy into trying to fall in love, trying to find love, whatever it meant to me at the time, I would of been more "successful". Things would of happened more organically. Less planned. Even MORE spontaneous.
For instance, I've been trying to plan out every little tiny aspect of my life, instead of letting them happen and fall into their place, naturally. Going on the Appalachian Trail during the summer, was wonderfully uplifting, as no day was ever planned. Things were done on the whim, as whether or not they felt right, then and there. It's a beautiful way to approach life in general, and even love to some degree. However, it was a bit extreme. (Or maybe it wasn't, and I'm not mature enough to truly appreciate it) In going, and coming back so soon, I became careless, and destructive to some degree. All fated things happen, and my dabblings with lust are a testament to that.
Those were the times when I had the greatest breakthroughs. When ideals, and morals were put into question, for the opportunity at hand. Would I follow through? Would I not? What happens next? The mind is a beautiful thing, it can teach you, and reprogram you. Untamed, however, and it can teach you the fairytale, that is to hurt.
Which begs to answer the question, Have I given up on love? Almost.
I almost gave up on being able to feel an inkling ever again. Then I remembered, this is what I signed up for. This is part of the human experience. To feel pain. To feel, really. No one is to blame for my ambition, and my indecisiveness, but me.
Sex, here is something very tangible. It's within your grip. Is that love? Yes, and no. Yes, in that the experience, is for the most part usually mutual, and that their is a greater potential to share something significant with someone else. And then No, in that there are more element to love, and a relationship than physical attraction, and what I call "a perfect lust". Love can be tangible, and be seen everywhere. That is everywhere you WANT to see love. A newborn child, the ultimate vessel of love I know, under certain eyes (maybe of sadness, or even anger), can be this ugly thing, and it can also be the most beautiful thing one can lay eyes on.
For me love has become something rather ineffable. I've been able to experience the emotions, and feelings one does whilst in that state of euphoria, that one feels while in love, by simply listening to music. Tear for tear, and giddiness for giddiness, I know both sides. Is THAT love?...
Who knows?
The quest never ends, and this may simply be a bookmark, or a chapter in my life that'll never go away, either way if I had one hope, it'd be that I'll be comfortable enough with my life to feel that even if I never find out what true romantic love is, it won't matter. Because I love myself. And maybe that's what love is.
i love you :)
