Ramblings: I

yeah, it's fine if you guys go ahead and smoke right before the mgmt convert but. i've heard their songs before high, and not high. i prefer listening to them high, because their effect is much better, but i wouldn't want my first live experience with them to be under an influence. even though i know that they'll be high probably. the only universe i'd smoke in, would be if for some odd reason, it was andrew vanwyngarden himself passing me the joint. there's a time and a place for everything, and i think then would be appropriate.

i'm rambling on, and just really letting whatever comes to me right now, i'm in a trance right now. i want to practice a lighthearted, positive thinking session. what about me do i like? i was asked this one time, and i avoided the question. namely because i was inexperienced, and could give the answer that person wanted. but now, if you were to ask me now, what do i like about myself? i like the choices that i'm starting to take. i like the direction my life is going in. i like, that i'm likable. most people find me annoying or bizarre, or out of this world, when they first meet me, but i'm just you. i'm you, in another skin blanket. that's all.


Who is in control of your thoughts?
I'll tell you that I'm in control of my thoughts, even though sajan, will disagree. I appreciate the manner in which thoughts come and go as they please. It's like my brain has a "for rent" sign on it, and the 'good' thoughts, the ones that can afford rent, i keep.

Who is in control of your feelings?
This may surprise people, because I come off as insensitive at times, like I don't care. The truth of the matter is that I am extremely sensitive to other peoples feelings, and general moods. Like I FEEL, a lot stronger (with more passion), and am more sensitive to feeling, than what most people think. ps - i've cried during films :)

ok, and that was twenty minutes.

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NOTE: I wrote this during a twenty-minute light relaxation, "super learning", positive thinking session. During which listened to alpha waves 8 - 12 Hz, and nothing has been edited (i.e. there may be grammatical errors, etc.)

Metanoia

These past couple weeks since I've been back, have been a real eye opener for me. I've done things, that I'm not necessarily proud of, and now I'm paying the consequences. Where my life is headed, is toward true genuine goodness, and wholeheartedness. Recently I made a promise to myself, that I'm making public now, I suppose. I'm not going to smoke weed anymore, or really do anything that would affect my ability to make a conscious choice. There's a time, and place for delving into vices, but just doing them without awareness, is a very dangerous thing; at least for me, I'm not myself. I turn into a monster of sorts. I forget who I AM. I'm tired of living in the "parallel synchronized randomness" universe, and am choosing to live a life that I'm proud of, one that isn't dictated by the falling out of random events, but of my own conscious choices. I know that wherever I go, and whatever I do, I'll be supported, so with that understanding, I might as well go after what I'm passionate about.

I don't have a job anymore, so I have lots of free time. Time to research, watch films, listen to music, help around the house, exercise, work on my self-image, and really just be myself for a while. Like my happiness for instance, is something that I value more than anything, and lately I've been kinda sad. I'm going to work on being more lighthearted.

The title of this post "Metanoia" was mentioned to me by father this morning, and it struck a chord with me. Not only because it's the title of one of my favorite MGMT songs, but because he gave me the definition, and it's "a transformative change of heart". It was rather peculiar, because I had a change of heart a couple days ago, and here my father was, mentioning it to me. That was probably one of the clearest signs, I've ever had.

"But damn my luck and damn these friends
That keep on combing back their smiles
I save my grace with half-assed guilt
And lay down the quilt upon the lawn
Spread my arms and soak up congratulations."
- Congratulations by MGMT

Tomorrow is another day, good luck out there.

with love, luis miguel rivera