"Smoking can kill you, and if you've been killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields
Many apologies for the redundancies. So wording out last weekend would be the same thing. It's quite silly, because I've been working on this post for like 3 or 4 days now, and I read it, and realized that it had very little to do with me. So I erased it all, and I'm writing this anew.
What a mindfuck :)
Arrogance, and selfishness got the best of me. So, maybe I was better off a dreamer. I can be me. Dreaming is not dead, it's been forgotten. What's best for me is to remain neutral, and balance these worlds equally. I'm not going to lie though, I favor the former. To dream is to see. To dream is to be.
Last night, I'd say was a success. Of course, I don't remember fully what I dreamed, but I do remember that I did. So I'll share, as much as I can.
NOTE: This won't be accurate, and it's not supposed to be. This is how I interpreted last night.
So the way that my dreams usually stem is from a thought. Mentally, what I like to do to help me fall asleep faster is narrate my thoughts, till a vision comes, and that's usually when the dream starts, and I lose track of certain memories. So last night, I have an MGMT cd playing softly in the background, and the thoughts "Wonder what the concert will be like?", "Wonder if they feel as strongly as I do toward them?", "How am I going to get there?", "Hope I get a job", "I need to hook the printer up so I can print these applications out", "Can't wait till I get my car back", "I want to see Adam for his birthday", the image of a bonfire at the Melcher household, is in the background of my thoughts, and serves as what eventually became the rest of my dreams.
I probably should have turned my phone off, because I was interrupted a few times, but for the most part I was able to keep focus on my dream. Plus, the incoming information helped bring renewed life to my mental landscape.
I vaguely remember one dream. Mostly delusions of grandeur, but I was a successful producer/director. In fact I was the first to revolutionize the industry by releasing my films exclusively via the internet for free, and was able to maintain a sustainable business model doing so. I wasn't crazy rich, but I could afford to start new projects if needed, and my family had a decent means of living. There was one video, about "crustacean news-anchors" that caught on, and skyrocketed my popularity on Youtube.
I never had the idea, till I seen it in my dreams. (I guess kinda like how James Cameron, had the idea for AVATAR) So when I get to a point where I can make that video, I will :) I can see it being very funny, and making me known around certain internet circles :)
There were many, but not that stood out. The good news is, I'll be consciously involved with my dreams tonight as well. This'll probably be my last post on the matter, unless of course something amazing happens tonight, but I like exploring this part of myself. I enjoy it, more than most people probably should.
The night is young, I'll be on my merry way.
goodnight, and good luck.
ps- if you'd like a link to the song at the top of this post, shoot me an email or a comment or something :)
Tonight will be an interesting night, I have plans to consciously be apart of my dreams. I've actually already been kinda doing it, I wanna say these past two or three nights, but tonight is different, in that I'll be paying attention. More player, than participant.
I've tried this before, and there are some drawbacks. For starters, no notetaking. I mean there is, but my memory isn't that great. Like I remember feelings, more than anything. It's very seldom that I remember events, unless they are very strong.
I used to have to worry about being interrupted, but not tonight. Peeps know better to not mess with me, these days. This was a problem, because they'd wake me, and I'd get scared, or even worse, I'd be afraid of being woken, that I'd rush whatever it was that I was doing, and not really enjoy it as much as I should have.
Then another problem I guess is that at times, I'd have "horny dreams". But I have enough self control to resist the allure that they do offer. Plus I've had like a million of'm, I'm sooooo over'm :)
I want to keep a dream journal, but not here. I have posted my dreams on more than one occasion here, but I dunno. They may be too revealing, for even myself.
There are parts of me, I still have to discover. Parts of me, I'll never admit to. If I'm going to take something to the grave, I at least would like to know what it is. Maybe I'll never find out (in this life at least). I wonder what I have to offer myself. Do I even have anything to offer?
So it's been a couple days now, and the cut on my face is healing up. Today is actually the first day that I didn't leave the bandage on. It still looks like shit, but I don't know, I think the scar adds to my personality. I've been hurt, and now the whole world can see it on my face.
One sec, let me take a video, and extract a still to put up here. This should take one second. Hold on.
Ok, so it doesn't look so bad, but my cheek bone hurt like a mother fucking biotch. (pardon my french) I have to go to sleep early tonight, because tomorrow I'll be dropping of an application of at Tijuana Flats, for a job as a cashier. Boss man told me to drop it off between 2 and 4, so I don't want to be asleep then.
It's like I've seen it all before, and my life is that predictable. I'll stick a fork in my horoscope, and that's just what I'll do. Hope I don't get lost :)
Yesterday, I was helping mother with some yardwork, cutting some trees that in her eyes were unsightly, and my cousin Kevin and I were doing quite well, till it was my turn again, and it was one of the last two trees. I was whacking away, and this particular one was a bit drier than the other one's I had already hacked away at. Long-story-short, I hit it, the machete ricocheted back at my face, and got me on the right side of my jaw bone, near the eye. Lucky for me, it was the dull end, and not the sharp side, otherwise I'd be in a hospital, undergoing surgery. I'm not going to lie though, this shit hurts like a bitch. The area around it, feels fractured, but nothing serious enough to merit medical attention, at least yet. Anyways, here's a video that was taken before, and another one that was taken after. (If I would of gotten one of the accident, I'd be a Youtube demigod overnight, just sayin')
I was watching The Rotten Tomatoes Show, which is where I get a lot of movie recommendations from, and Russel Brand [Get Him To The Greek; Forgetting Sarah Marshall] did a little bit where he gave his 5 favorite films, and one of them happen to be this little gem that I recently watched.
It's from 1975, and it's called "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". It won all kinds of awards, and honors, and what have you, but I personally found the movie a very good watch. I really hope that someday, they remake this movie, to expose this movie to a newer generation. Jack Nicholson just really nails this one, and I'm so glad he played the part.
[Spoiler: I'm about to summarize the plot.]
Jack Nicholson plays the part of McMurphy. McMurphy is in a mental institution, because he needs to be "evaluated", to see whether or not he's really mentally ill or just faking it, otherwise back to the slammer. Throughout the movie he rallies the support of the others, and these guys actually make real progress. It's later determined that he isn't so much crazy, as a threat, but they keep him there anyway as sort of a punishment. Things really get interesting when attempts are made to escape.
I don't want to give away too much, but it's definitely worth your time, and you should go rent it if you can. Or however you watch your movies :) It's out on Blu-Ray and DVD, so quit reading this, and GO!
This morning I had a very bizarre dream, I was lucid. It stook out to me, and I've been running it over and over in my head. I don't know what it means, but maybe if I share it, it'll come to me. The dream, as best I can remember it, is as follows:
My location, it's a wartime setting. Bombs, and guns are going off all around me. In the distance, I can see a little girl. She looks very familiar, almost like family. Guessing by her height I'd say she was no more than eight. I look up, and everything went in slow motion. There was a grenade or something that was flying over my head, and towards the girl. She was maybe fifteen feet from me, and I knew I wasn't going to get to her in time. All of a sudden there was a really bright flash. Silence all around me. The shock knocks me off my feet, and I find myself laying parallel to her on the ground, facing one another. She didn't have to say a word, I could tell by her bleached eyes that she had been blinded by the flash. I keep her in my embrace, and hold her tightly. Like she was the most important thing to me. The dreams ends with a feeling that everything was going to be ok, she looked me in the eyes, and I cried.
When I woke, it was the strangest feeling, because it felt so real to me. I remember my eyes were watery, as if I had been crying myself. I wasn't awake for long, though. I quickly went back to sleep, and had another dream, that I don't remember. Nonetheless, I spent my morning pondering about the girl in my dream. I felt really attached to her. Even though I didn't recognize her at all.
The girl from my dream looked similar to how Dakota Fanning looks in this picture.
I don't usually journal my dreams, or study them; mostly because I don't remember them, but this one felt so strong to me, that I felt like sharing it. If anyone reading this happens to be a dream therapist, or knows one, please get at me.
I got this in an email newsletter, sent to me today, I just find it crazy how this relates to me exactly in this moment. Have a look:
Any miracle in the material world must be preceded by a miraculous change in your own character. Physical reality and human nature are intimately connected. When you create an extraordinary transformation within, the power allows the universe to externally express this inner change.
Today, free yourself from tiny bits of selfishness, envy, anger and self-pity. By rejecting these negative temptations, you will be free to ignite the power of miracles.
yeah, it's fine if you guys go ahead and smoke right before the mgmt convert but. i've heard their songs before high, and not high. i prefer listening to them high, because their effect is much better, but i wouldn't want my first live experience with them to be under an influence. even though i know that they'll be high probably. the only universe i'd smoke in, would be if for some odd reason, it was andrew vanwyngarden himself passing me the joint. there's a time and a place for everything, and i think then would be appropriate.
i'm rambling on, and just really letting whatever comes to me right now, i'm in a trance right now. i want to practice a lighthearted, positive thinking session. what about me do i like? i was asked this one time, and i avoided the question. namely because i was inexperienced, and could give the answer that person wanted. but now, if you were to ask me now, what do i like about myself? i like the choices that i'm starting to take. i like the direction my life is going in. i like, that i'm likable. most people find me annoying or bizarre, or out of this world, when they first meet me, but i'm just you. i'm you, in another skin blanket. that's all.
Who is in control of your thoughts? I'll tell you that I'm in control of my thoughts, even though sajan, will disagree. I appreciate the manner in which thoughts come and go as they please. It's like my brain has a "for rent" sign on it, and the 'good' thoughts, the ones that can afford rent, i keep.
Who is in control of your feelings? This may surprise people, because I come off as insensitive at times, like I don't care. The truth of the matter is that I am extremely sensitive to other peoples feelings, and general moods. Like I FEEL, a lot stronger (with more passion), and am more sensitive to feeling, than what most people think. ps - i've cried during films :)
ok, and that was twenty minutes.
--------------------------------- NOTE: I wrote this during a twenty-minute light relaxation, "super learning", positive thinking session. During which listened to alpha waves 8 - 12 Hz, and nothing has been edited (i.e. there may be grammatical errors, etc.)
These past couple weeks since I've been back, have been a real eye opener for me. I've done things, that I'm not necessarily proud of, and now I'm paying the consequences. Where my life is headed, is toward true genuine goodness, and wholeheartedness. Recently I made a promise to myself, that I'm making public now, I suppose. I'm not going to smoke weed anymore, or really do anything that would affect my ability to make a conscious choice. There's a time, and place for delving into vices, but just doing them without awareness, is a very dangerous thing; at least for me, I'm not myself. I turn into a monster of sorts. I forget who I AM. I'm tired of living in the "parallel synchronized randomness" universe, and am choosing to live a life that I'm proud of, one that isn't dictated by the falling out of random events, but of my own conscious choices. I know that wherever I go, and whatever I do, I'll be supported, so with that understanding, I might as well go after what I'm passionate about.
I don't have a job anymore, so I have lots of free time. Time to research, watch films, listen to music, help around the house, exercise, work on my self-image, and really just be myself for a while. Like my happiness for instance, is something that I value more than anything, and lately I've been kinda sad. I'm going to work on being more lighthearted.
The title of this post "Metanoia" was mentioned to me by father this morning, and it struck a chord with me. Not only because it's the title of one of my favorite MGMT songs, but because he gave me the definition, and it's "a transformative change of heart". It was rather peculiar, because I had a change of heart a couple days ago, and here my father was, mentioning it to me. That was probably one of the clearest signs, I've ever had.
"But damn my luck and damn these friends That keep on combing back their smiles I save my grace with half-assed guilt And lay down the quilt upon the lawn Spread my arms and soak up congratulations." - Congratulations by MGMT
