Casual Dementia

I have rambling thoughts at 2:51 in the A.M., that are keeping me up, so I figured, I'd play some MGMT, and start writing. If there was ever a time that I really needed to be writing a blog, I think it would of been during my time in California. Just my head, was literally in another place. When you spend the majority of your time alone, you have conversations with yourself. I was, still am, my own therapist. I do remember feeling stuck at times, but that's to be expected. After my brother past away, I remember having to kind of just shut down that little voice in my head, the one that helps me make conscious choices, and instead of getting the next plane ticket out of there, to be with my mother in her time of grief, I selfishly stayed there. No definite goal, or plan, just a feeling that I was where I had to be, at the time, oddly in sync. Even before I left, I went with a mother-load of guilt, namely because of Devin's tooth. Which I'm only now beginning to come around to taking care of. I already called him, and told him what I had planned in regards to that, so yeah. I am at a point right now in my life, were I'm righting a bunch of wrongs. I'm fixing a lot of the leaks and creaks in my cup. I titled this post 'Casual Dementia', because there are times in my life, where it certainly is much easier to forget your responsibilities. To stray a bit from your path, and wander. There's nothing wrong with that at all, just don't get lost.

And then, there was South America. I remember having the thought while I was on the phone with Sajan. Just at the time, we were so overwhelmed with reality, and the stress that comes along. It really just CAME to me. He was complaining, and stuff, about how we need to change our lives, and in a bold, size 72, Times New Roman font, I seen the words SOUTH AMERICA. I ran it past him, and the mental frenzy ensued. Some months pass, and the idea became less, and less plausible. But someday, we'll trip. Just not now. Now is not the time. When the urge comes again. When the feeling's right, we'll go. Not now. I think the idea of South America, as like the great escape, is why it appealed so much to me. I was feeling at a low point in my life, and with the lack of strong friends being around, that only quantified things.

When I came back, it was overwhelming even then. I felt rushed. And riding on that wave, I just partied hard. And in it's own way, that was therapeutic. I had just crazy amounts of emotional baggage, and feelings that I'd been holding in since forever, and then was the most perfect time to release it. Definitely not all of it, but a great majority.

Part of the reason, I haven't been writing, in a good while, is simply because I just don't have a reason to. Back then, when I had all that on my mind, that was quite literally months, and years, of just stored baggage that I had to rid from some of the more darker crevices in my head.

And then I remember losing my mind. I was Donnie Darko.



That was a particularly interesting time. My dreams, had a way of blending with my reality, and where one would drop off, the other would pick up. The worst part was trying to explain it all. I had a particularly interesting episode, where I was aware of this, and so what I did, was I wrote in my blog. Just everything. I could say I easily wrote for like five hours, and then I wake up. And I'm with Michael Lamb, and I think he was on a date or something with Amanda Reedy, at the beach. And I was just OUT OF it. I had woken up in such a random situation, just I thought I was dreaming then. I called Sajan, see if he could make sense of my situation, and he was no help.

Interesting times to say the least.

kay, sleepy time now. goodnight.
love, luis.