Every Mess, Invested / Too Far, Too Soon

So today I went with my sister to Senior night, she got flowers before the basketball game, and pictures were taken. When I got there, I seen my old Television Productions teacher, Mr. Sanders there, and he was able to show me the brand new studio after the game.

I was quite speechless. When I compare it to what I had to work with when I was working in the old studio, I am just absolutely flabbergasted. If I had the chance to go to high school again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I would endure four years, if it meant I could work in that studio. Seeing it all, has once again inspired me.

I know it sounds silly, but to me Sanders was kind of like a dad to me. And I felt so embarrassed telling him that I wasn't going to school or doing anything with my life, at present. I told him that I was trying to make it out there in Cali, and that it didn't work out,and he told me "You went too far, too soon". Of all the people in the world, I don't want to disappoint Sanders.

I've made the choice that I do want to go to school again. What school, and how I'm going to pay for it, is still something that I have to decide, and figure out. I know I can't apply for academic scholarships, because my grades tanked, especially my sophomore and junior years, but I think I could probably get money other ways. Something that I noticed, is that there are always "short film" competitions all the time, and if I could get me a camera, and add more stuff to my very petite portfolio, I'd at least know that I was on the right track.



So of my more immediate concerns, I'll be working on filling out more applications, and looking for work. I can start saving. I'll save up for my be-loathed Canon EOS 7D, and get my life on a roll.

For this past week, I've been listening to a lot of "Empire of The Sun", reading a lot, and watching tons of Star Trek. I think it's time to perhaps put more focus on my foundation/roots. Stability is something I have trouble with. If there were such thing as being TOO flexible, I'd fall into that category. For instance, in these past 4/5 years, I personally have moved 5 times (6 times if you count California), and I'm about to move again in March.

And that really had an effect on me. My freshman year, I was living in a place that in my head I figured to be rather stable. My family had been living there for 5 years, and I kind of thought that I'd be there for a long time. As a result, when I started off my freshman year, I put school in front. Nothing mattered more to me than school. I had a weighted GPA of 4.3 my freshman year. The first time I moved, was in my sophomore year. I ended up going to another school, and didn't like it there at all. For the first time in my life, I received a failing grade. By the time we moved again, I was starting up my Junior year at Southeast again, the school I had to abandon the year prior. I was eager to put school again in front. Two things happened my Junior year that I didn't anticipate. 1) That I was going to fall in love with a girl. At the time, it just never occurred to me that would happen, probably ever. 2) That I was going to fall in love a second time, this time with Film.

Before my Junior year was to end, I had a miniature move. It was only across the street, but my things moved none-the-less. By my Senior year, my passion for being in a studio, and working in that environment, had reached an all time high. Early my Senior year I made the decision to venture out to California after high school, and go to "Brooks Institute", I gave all of my friends a years notice, that that was what and where I was going, and doing. Once again, in the middle of my Senior year, we move again. By now, I'm kind of used to it, and its expected.

Lots of things happened between these moves, that shook me up, so I'm going to back track, a little bit. When I moved back to Bradenton my Junior year, I began hanging out, more and more with my friends. They began to occupy more, and more of my time, and energy. I didn't mind it at all, because for the first time, I felt important, I felt like I belonged. I had just spent a year or so of my life, feeling a bit sorry for myself, and really just hating everyday. So to be in company of friends again felt good.

However when it got to the point that everyone was at my house everyday, eating my food, and "disturbing the peace", my Senior year, we moved again to Sarasota. It's a bit far from the group, but my mom felt it necessary, and quite frankly, so did I.

You see, I think through it all, I've been able to adapt really fast, in a short amount of time. And I think that's what I am hopelessly expecting from my life. A quick fix. I guess now I know why part of my life path, includes Stability. It's because, that is something I struggle with, and something I'll be dealing with the rest of my life.

Right before I left for California, to go to school, one of my biggest blunders happened, which I still carry to this day. I was at a birthday party, and all of us were jumping on a trampoline, Devin slips, as I was going up, and my knee knocks a couple of his front teeth out. It was one of the lowest moments of my life. I had to make a decision. One that I will be paying for, many months still to come. I went to California with this freak accident on my conscious. I had to make the choice of abandoning my dreams of going to this school in California (which I ended up doing anyways, ironically), or staying behind and taking care of my responsibilities, and tending to Devin. I made the choice of going to California, because I really thought I'd have the best of both worlds, I could make it out here, become successful, Devin's teeth would of been paid for many times over, I would of started up Rivera Independent, and be well on my way to Vimeo super-stardom. Joining the ranks of Philip Bloom, and at my young age, I'd be the youngest, and brightest. Quite frankly, I still am, just don't have the tools I need. But instead of acting out of love, I acted for myself. I let my ego take over, and I did one of the most selfish things someone could do. I betrayed a friend.

I guess that's why I'm back now. Not only was California out of my league, the lifestyle I was living, and the one I was expecting weren't feasible. I couldn't live with myself, knowing that I did that to a friend. Perhaps, someday I'll be able to look at all this in retrospect, and see that this was all for the highest good, but I don't see that, at present.

I'm struggling to live a more conscious life. One of love. I need to know that what I do not only matters, but is good, and positive. And I know the whole mumbo jumbo, about good and bad, only being perceptions, but I quite frankly am stuck in this reality, and have yet to transcend. Until then, I will do my best. My best to love. My best to be responsible. My best to be proud of my life, with no regrets.

I have one more thing to say, but I'll have to save it for tomorrow. Because it's fairly lengthy, and takes quite a great deal to explain.

"Whatever makes you happy, whatever you want, you're so fucking special..." -Radiohead

with love, luis.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything begins and ends with our own individual behavior.

When we are honest with our emotions, however dark they may be, we invite others to be real and to face their own pain. And then real transformation can occur - that's how we are going to fix this planet.

But when we suppress, when we are fake, we send a message out to others that they need to be fake too and hold in their truth. This is how things will remain the same.

Today, be real. You don't need to be anyone else but who you are. Being honest helps the rest of us find our truth.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------