I am writing whatever comes to me.
What do I want from life? Happiness. But not just Happiness, pursuing it. And as vague, and non-specific that is, it's true. What I want more than anything from life, is to pursue happiness. I have many roads left, and many roadblocks. Many of them, just me. My fears. I am very naive when it comes to my feelings. I can love, but can I feel it? Can I feel the love of other people. Opening my heart is a hard thing for me to do. Extremely hard. Beyond quantum physics, hard. It's like I know that part of the secret, is to open yourself up to be able to receive. It's just, I feel guilty. I feel that if I take, not only do I have to give back, I have to give back more. More than I put in. Which in-itself isn't a bad thing, but I don't feel that I can do that all the time. I find myself lost in my own thoughts. I don't know. Uncertainty works great in situational problems. Not so much in other things. No one can offer any kind of certainty when it comes to love, or even ones feelings, including me. And I think this more than anything is what I am afraid of. The fact that I coexist with uncertainty, and have to embrace it. So long as I can love, I will. I pick and choose my role models, but when it comes to love, I can't say that I, or anyone really, has an ideal role model. Life kind of happens, and so does love. When you intermingle the two, especially on this limited plane, things get cloudy. All of a sudden, there are roadblocks. There are pitfalls. There are the things that get in the way and distract. I've been gifted with the ability to influence, yet I can't convince myself that I am deserving of love. It is just me. My past. And what appears to be, my lack. This past hour, especially, I have been on sort of this roller coaster. And in a way, it's almost not real. Yet here it is, in front of me. When I am done writing this, I will meditate. There is a lot of fogginess in my head, and I need to dwell in that a bit, and then clear it up. The answer is obvious. Follow my heart. Much easier said than done. I can ask for abundance all day, but my heart needs to be willing to receive as well. I try my best to dwell in positivity, I just get distracted from time to time. And I think that's where I am right now. I don't KNOW what to FEEL anymore. That statement is bizarre, because, that's the thing, I think it's all in my head, but I know there is something there. Something very definite, yet intangible, all the same.
"It is, and it isn't"- That black lady from the Tarvu video
I think I'm done. I am publishing this one hour ahead of schedule, because I have a lasagna that needs eating. I really wish that I could write more, but I have a headache now. If I write some more, I'll include it in my next post.
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Just as it is important to believe in God, it's equally important to believe in yourself.
Today, own your greatness.
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