So I was originally going to write a post on love, or romance, but remembered that I am seriously lacking in those areas. So I took a break, and began to read two very important blogs that I am recommending. The first one is from my good friend, Mackenzie Eileen. And the other one is from my best friend Sajan Melcher.
Mackenzie's writing is very personal. More personal than my writing. Mackenzie doesn't know this, but I look to her for inspiration. At heart she's a passionate humanitarian, and I like this about her. She spent some time in Guatemala for an internship at an orphanage, and plans on going back after she finishes high school for a year, so I am extremely looking forward to hearing of this later on.
Sajan is my best friend. He's been writing an "Untitled Love Project", and it's at about 8 parts right now. I was with him through most of it, so to read a lot of that stuff brings back a lot of memories.
Which brings me to Janine Palmer. Now, as much as I can remember Janine Palmer was the first girl that Sajan was ever serious about. I could vividly remember him talking to me about her, as some glorified angel that fell from the sky. But I guess, when you are young like that, that's what happens. Around that time (maybe before), I was spending my sophomore year away from Bradenton, in Lakewood Ranch, and went to school at Braden River. I really didn't like the school all that much, and looked forward to coming home. At the time I was seeing my neighbor. Ashley Watson. It began with her. I would flip flop with her. She never really knew when I was serious, or when I was kidding around. I sneaked out of the house a couple of times, and came in to her house when parents were gone. The first time I did, we watched not one, but two movies, and then passionately made out. It was very exhilarating, at least for me. Then there was a really awkward time, when we didn't speak for like weeks. And then all of a sudden there I was again. I guess I didn't talk with her, because I was afraid. I don't know what to do. So we see each other again, and again sneaking out of the house again. This time through like our neighbors houses, and like to some grassy place, where we could see could see stars and stuff. We talk for a while, make out, I then made like one of the hugest mistakes in modern dating, even though I didn't mean it, I told her, I loved her. I told her I loved her, and then I asked her out to be my girlfriend. Bad mistake. She said no of course, and that kind of devasted me for a while. But in retrospect, I was 14, she was 13, I couldn't of expected anything serious. So back to Janine Palmer, I couldn't remember if it was before or after Sajan broke up with her, that I told myself, that I wanted my next girl to be like Janine Palmer. I wanted to be able to say all these different things about her, and really feel like I was in love. It wasn't till the following school year that I was going back to Southeast, and met Daniella Hernandez.
At Braden River there was a quick thing (mostly drama) with Sunny Chang, but I messed that up bad.
It had been about 5 or 6 months since the events of Ashley Watson, and I, so I had plenty of things to think about for how I would handle my next relationship.
I fell, and I fell hard in love. And I look back now, and think that most of it was in my head, but it was a lot of the smaller things. Like how I sat behind her in web design class, and literally waited at times, for an excuse to say any silly thing to her.
I had the convenience of the internet access at the time, and we talked a lot on myspace, when that was the hip thing to do. And we chatted on AIM, I think it was. I was shy with her at school, like I didn't feel like I could open up to her in person as easily as I could online. When I see her I can't think.
One day, I get a message on myspace, like "my parents don't want me to have a boyfriend, i'm not ready for a relationship, sorry if i hurt you", and I tell her that I'm fine and that it's ok (even though inside I was already breaking apart), I lied to her because, I loved her too much, and that's what she wanted to hear. That everything would be alright, that we could still be friends.
I don't know. I kind of stopped talking to her after that. And I bottled up those feelings, never telling anyone. Not her, not even Sajan. I had to change my life, so that she would take me back, or something. I dropped Christianity, and started from a clean slate. Accepting whatever felt right in my heart, and going with the flow of things.
Sajan was speaking with Hayley at the time, and I compared my relationship to his. I wanted to share that deep soulful connection that Hayley and Sajan had, with Daniella, but it never really got that far. Or even something like Sajan had with Janine Palmer. That is my mistake.
Months go by, I move back to Bradenton. I'm spending more and more time with Devin, Sajan, and Michael. Thus, The Group is born. My life had purpose again. I was beginning to hang out with more and more people. And I figured that would take my mind off Daniella, even if it was for a little while.
But it was hard. It wasn't that I didn't want to speak with her again. It was more that, I really wanted for us to work out, and because they couldn't, those "cute moments" in class, soon became awkward. Advances were made, with no signal given. I sat behind her in web design class, and I couldn't concentrate on my work. I eventually gave up the class, and failed it.
A couple months go by, and the life changing episode in Sajan's life goes by. Hayley is hurt, and really just needs a friend. We kind of had a thing, but it was more to make Sajan jealous/mad. That dissolves.
More weeks go by, I'm invited to a birthday party. It was Florencia. She reminded me so much of Daniella, that she sparked my eye. Short, tan skin, dark hair, all that. It's the summertime, me and her hook up for a while. Me and her don't work out. I seen her mostly as an object, and always was trying to make out with her, and do stuff. We break up a week into the new school year.
I am a Senior now, and very single. I think it's around this time (maybe before),I meet a girl named Liz, very strong feelings. Especially at first. But I don't pursue her, because I only seen her once in a while.
Sajan and I go to a Kabbalah Seminar in Sarasota. I found a lot of spiritual answers that I wanted, and that helped cope with not being able to be with Daniella, but even that wasn't enough. With more answers comes more questions, and I was not ready for the truth. Even if it meant freedom.
It's getting close to a year now since I stopped talking with Daniella, and I decided to call her right before Yom Kippur, and told her how I felt. I don't remember what I said, because I can't think when I talk to her, but I do remember telling her that I loved her. This was the second time I told a girl that, the difference this time being that I meant it. I really love her.
The effect was null. I never make the effort to go back with her, because I never got the signal. I put the bait out there, but not even a nibble. If she would have bit back, it would of meant she wanted me, or that she was ready for me.
The rest of the school year was mostly a blur. I had a quick fling with Sandra Doyle, because she is hurt, and I really really wanted to help her.
It graduation day, and the only thing I remember is watching her and her sister leave after getting their diploma, thinking, there goes the only girl I ever loved.
I want to stop my story here, because the next part of my love story is too recent to write it in retrospect. There are still things I have to do. Relationships I need to build. And friends I need to help.
That's my love life pretty much. I can't say it's as exciting as Sajans, but that's ok.
I started writing this at 4:30 a.m., and it's 7:10 a.m. I am going to get some much needed shut eye.
As for the Disney trip, it went all right. Me and Mackenzie picture messaged each other, and competed for like the best pictures, and stuff. Good game.
~Salame
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It is not what we do that causes us to suffer; it is the disconnection between what we do and what we should do.
Today, get going on one thing you know you need to do in order to be happy but haven't done due to procrastination.
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